My poor husband kept getting ask my our fitness crew, by family, by friends....
"So what's Ellen actually doing in Thailand?"
Bless him, he didn't really know what to say.
He wasn't really sure.
His answer was that she's going to get to know herself a bit better so she can be the best at her business.
He was kind of right but I thought I'd share the full story with you.
You may have seen my Facebook posts.
You may have seen a switch in the way I appear.
It was literally a life changing journey for me.
To be honest, before I went I wasn't really sure why I was going or what I was going for. I just knew something had to change within me.
On the outside I guess I always appeared super happy and positive. On the inside, I felt like I was losing a little bit of myself every week.
The bigger my business grew, the more I kind of got lost. Feeling like I should present myself a certain way, worrying about pleasing people, feeling that working 15 hours each day is what all business owners have to do in order to be the best and be there for everybody.
I no longer felt that I was having the connection with people that I once did.
I got into a rat race and I didn't really know how to get out. I knew that I had a gift that I had to share with p[eople but I felt it was trapped inside of me.
So.....I took the plunge and paid £5000 to spend 10 days with Dax and 9 other business owners.
It turned out that they were all pretty much feeling the same.
In his advertising, Dax never once said what was involved. He never made any promises. I had never even had a conversation with the guy- just saw him speak at a mastermind event a few years ago.
I just knew he was special. I immediately trusted him and wanted some of his wisdom.
So I decided if I was going all that way, I might as well have a little holiday first. The week before was lovely but I felt really unsettled. I knew change was about to come. I couldn't fully relax. I ate and drank loads with fear and worry- a bit of self sabotage.
The first day I arrived, everybody seemed friendly but it was intense. I arrived at the most luxurious villa in the millionaire's area of Phuket. My first thought was 'oh no, everybody is so slim. What will they think of me?' Crazy!
It got to the introductions and I was a wreck. Everyone was so confident and I just felt so intimidated. I was like 'who am I?'
I couldn't say what I do with conviction. I knew right then and there that I needed this 10 days!!
Dax later told me that he fell a little bit in love with me at that moment for my vulnerability. Aww!
The first 7 days we didn't even touch on business. It was all 'heart' work- about getting to know who we are, what is holding us back, our fears and how we want to appear in the world.
It sounds easy but there was so much digging into things that I perhaps didn't even know existed. I couldn't believe how emotional I was- definitely the most emotional in the group. It became the running joke.
It was actually nice that they all said it was an endearing quality that I'm so transparent and there's no wall to break down.
I discovered quite a few things:
*Fear of judgement, lack of self belief and fear of failure had been holding me back
*My message to the world, particularly to women just like me, hadn't been coming across because I wasn't saying it loud and clearly due to fear of judgement, which had been leading to me feeling frustrated
*You can't expect the world to know who you are without being that person. The world is not psychic!
* My true values which I live my life by; Love, Courage, Truth
It all sounds simple but if you are living your life each day without knowing who you are, your life is not your own. You are unprotected from harm and looking to others for approval.
Discovering my values, I now try to implement these into every single decision I make. It was such a powerful exercise.
I realise that I'm in charge of me and I have to start living this life for me whilst still spreading my message.
I had created this rat race of a life myself- nobody else.
We create our own life but we sometimes feel it doesn't feel like it belongs to us. We don't live it in the way we want to live it.
Starting the day with meditation, I felt truly connected. Having this big muscly guy, covered in tattoos who can be such a joker, chanting and singing meditations was just incredible.
Throughout the whole experience, there were times of feeling amazing, being in the light, followed by times of darkness. It's indescribable really but I truly believe that experiencing the darkness helps you to get into the light.
There were times that I was well and truly out of my comfort zone. I actually don't like public speaking. I can put on my show face when teaching classes- I'm in my comfort zone but trying to get across my message to these guys in the group made me squirm, especially the part about what our magic is. Bigging myself up just doesn't come naturally.
I had also started the week dreading getting in and out of the pool. I would jump in when nobody was looking and quickly grab my towel when I got out. I never once felt that anybody was judging me but it was the way I felt about myself- disgusted. When you're not happy inside, most of us tend to stop looking after ourselves on the outside.
It was crazy that how the week went on, I suddenly stopped worrying. I had laid my soul bare are to these guys. They became my family. They knew me on the inside, they didn't care about the outside.
I started to enjoy the experience without having a care about what others were thinking about my body. I started getting up and seeing the good things about myself and enjoying the experience rather than letting a bit of a wobbly tummy ruin an incredible experience.
Naturally, my chocolate cravings left me. I realised I'm a stress eater. Feeling good on the outside meant that I wanted to look after my body. I was out of self sabotage mode.
We had a gorgeous live in chef who prepared us beautiful thai food every day. She was a beautiful lady who had a real passion for cooking. I miss her!
It was only around Day 7 that we started to think about business and how we are going to spread our message. This became the 'brain' work.
I'm actually really proud of the amazing ideas I came up with. It's just now having the balls to put them into action.
The first one being getting the Glow fit course accredited ready to start Instructor Trainings in January.
I'm also super excited to be running my own GLOW retreats in Thailand as of next year. After the absolutely life changing experience I had, I NEED to be able to offer this incredible experience to other women who are feeling the way I felt.
I will also be doing some very limited higher end one to one and smaller group packages working with myself and Nicky for 6 or 12 months. I am only going to be taking 3 clients on per year where I will work solely with these to help them find their GLOW through mindset coaching, getting to know who they are, nutrition, exercise and basically someone well and truly having their back.
I'm lucky that I have a brilliant team to run our group sessions for the wonderful tribe I already have. I plan to continue making it an incredible experience for these guys.
Before we arrived Dax has asked us all;
"what would make it a fu**ing wow experience for you?"
My shopping list was as follows:
*Go home feeling super POSITIVE
*Go home in LOVE with myself
*Have some SELF-BELIEF
*FAITH in myself
It turned out that I came home with all of them in my shopping bag, plus some life long friends made.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not some untouchable super confident person now. I have suffered with overwhelm since getting home. I always fear change. However, I do feel so much more in control of myself and my life now. I'm actually excited to shape my life to exactly how I want it to be.
I've started to appreciate everything I do have. Little things like going for a walk, beautiful food, lovely scenery. I believe if we show our gratitude to the universe, it will show us the same back.
Wow, this has been an indulgent 'me' email but I just wanted to share with you guys. I've had lots of lovely messages from people asking about the experience and want to share that the answers are within us.
My biggest take-away is that I am enough as I am. Just being me is enough. My aim is to help as many women as possible to realise this and help them to learn to love themselves.
I will be posting a lot more about being enough as you are.
Love, courage & truth.